My friends, they love my intelligence
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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