My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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