The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
