i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
