i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
