sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
