im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
