you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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