don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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