I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
