I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
sex in a hospital.. check
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And then he peed in my hair
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