I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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