I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
