I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drunk is a universal language darling
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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