I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
