new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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