she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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