marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
