fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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