my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
