were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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