i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
