the condom got lost in my hair
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
