I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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