Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
