I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
