you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
