This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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