How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
