Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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