Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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