I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
