I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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