my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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