i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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