Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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