We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
