Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
