I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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