i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
