I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
whose parrot is this?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
