next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
