Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
