I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
