Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
