last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
