ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
