i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
