one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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