I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
