i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
